No baking Only Healing

I'm still not back to baking but these crisper mornings are starting to get the pumpkin thoughts going in my mind.  I haven't had a lot of energy lately.  I have to nap a lot.  Like every day.  Sometimes twice.  So I broke down and got a new primary doctor near by to pull every thing together.  In going over things, I have quite the lump on the thyroid.  My thyroid has probably not been pulling its weight for a while which explains tired pretty well and the 10 pounds I gained while not cooking sweet things in my kitchen.

My thyroid has to be ultrasounded and then biopsied.  I am currently awaiting a cervical biopsy as well.  I'm kind of freaking out.  I think I can manage it all, but then it feels huge.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on the loss and pain of my leg, there is more.  I have had many cervical biopsies, all negative, so that feels less major.  Thyroid feels like something I'm going to have to deal with.  On the bright side, maybe it is a contributing factor to swallowing problems and those will be easier after it is removed or whatever.

I joined a pool.  The surgeon and the pain doctor urged me to get swimming. I went on Friday for the first time and wow!  My whole body was sore from head to toe.  Nate pointed out that I haven't had a good whole body workout in years.  I really loved it.  The pool at Healthtrax is super warm and inviting.  And there is a hot whirlpool in the ladies locker room - fantastic.  No dudes in the whirlpool.  The pool was essentially empty and I swam laps alone.  I bought new nice goggles because I was worried about swimming crooked (My name is Jess and I swim crooked) but there was no one there to bump into.  I am planning on going Monday night for Zumba in the pool.  I loved Zumba - I'm ridiculously excited to do it in the pool.

I have worked hard to reel in all extraneous spending to afford the pool and some other changes and I think it will all be good for me.  The gym puts your membership on pause if you have surgery or anything that stops you from coming.  Sigh of relief.  And they bought out my other gym membership, gave me a discount for my insurance, and my insurance gives me money back at the end of the year for going.  Win-wins all around this gym process.  God/Universe/Everything made it very simple for me to join and enjoy.  I'm thinking swimming will give me back my strength that I have lost over the past 6 years.

I started a teaching blog too because writing is the main thing I seem to be wanting to do with my time and energy at home.  It's great having two different worlds to express myself in.  I was asked to guest blog on an education blog so I am psyched to do that.

I'm writing completely stream of consciousness because I need you, invisible audience, to witness my slow and steady freak out about my thyroid.  Can't I just swim off a thyroid nodule?  You never know. Maybe I need to eat kelp and have seaweed shakes for lunch.  You know seaweed is not a plant, right? I didn't know until I was a teacher.  They are protists.  Little green animals.  So can you eat seaweed if you're a vegetarian.  Fine lines, folks.

Namaste and blessings to you and me and all of us.  And you know, if you are physically able to move and exercise, please do so.  Enjoy the luxury of that ability each and every day.  It's precious.

I promise high protein little "cakes" are coming for breakfast soon.  A couple cool afternoons and a little more energy and I'm all about getting back to baking.  I promise.  Not really. I promise nothing.  I can only promise that I am in this moment thinking fondly of anyone taking the time to read this stream of my thoughts tonight.  Love.

(The picture is me and my friend Emma who is adorable and snuggly and has the cutest feet.  I got to babysit for her and her big sister recently and I hope they ask me again and again!)

Magical Future Board

I haven't really been cooking much.  The heat makes the kitchen completely unbearable.  The sun shines in my kitchen in the afternoon making it about 2 million degrees above my comfort zone.  We've been eating out a bit (don't ask about why you may or may not have seen us at IHOP eating pancakes at night for dinner).  Beyond pancakes, I also love eating fruit salad for dinner or yogurt or ice cream or plain spinach.  In other words, food has been a bit hap hazard.  If you come to visit me these days, I'm likely to suggest going out to eat, especially with the early bird group.  And then, I'll talk you into going out for really good ice cream at Acushnet Creamery, where I always have coffee oreo.

I have, however, been cooking up plenty of ideas.  I have been drawing on the ol' toolbox and using meditation to chill my anxiety and to invite new stuff into my future.  I decided to make a future board.  I don't think this is an official title or anything, but I wanted to do a deep meditation followed by creating a collage.  The intent was to invite my future, to invite possibilities, to invite change, and to have a concrete product to look at to remind me of the intention.

The Recipe
1 to 2 Cups of meditation - any type will do:  deep prayer, mindfulness, guided meditation with a tape, speaking to your higher self, journaling - Get yourself in a quiet place where your doubts and anxieties are gently put to the side for the moment
10 or more magazines
Rubber cement or other easy to use glue
Canvas paper or another type of firm paper or poster board
Scissors
Clean table to work upon

After meditating, set your intention to invite your best possible future - not pushing for specifics, just asking for ideas of what's best for you, and always I add "this or better."
Cut out all the words and images that call to you.  Don't over think it.  Just cut them out.  If your brain starts to spin out about something, just notice where it is going and then bring yourself back to the task at hand.  You may want to sort words from pictures or just make one big pile.  Find things of beauty that call you.

After you have a nice pretty pile of intentions, start to arrange them on your board.  If you notice you need more images, go back and get more.  Arrange and start to glue.  It's usually easiest to do pictures then words but it depends.  Try the best you can to stay in the meditative place, keep bringing yourself back there.  It may help if you have a lot of stress to write your intentions down and keep repeating them to yourself.

Continue to cook your ideas and images until done.  How will you know you are done?  You will think of adding something and it will feel wrong.

I recommend looking at it every day.  You may want it out in the open in your bedroom or keep it private and spend time with it daily.  It may reach a time when it is done and the wheels are in motion.  Or it may be time to make a new one.

I've been working with mine for a few weeks now and I am ready to share it with you.

I love this board so much, and I have to tell you that my life has shifted in so many ways since I made it.  I was thinking that it might be fun to get a bunch of people together and all make one.   Would you like that?  Please say so in the comments and maybe ideas about time?  The whole thing will take about 4 hours.  It's the most magical thing I have done in a long time.

Healing

I am so frustrated with things with my health I don't even have the energy to explain right now.  Suffice it to say, I'm working on it, but it is a LOT to manage.  I'm too grouchy to discuss it tonight.  Maybe tomorrow will bring bright sunny perspective and fresh muffins in a basket at my door.