Chocolate covered coconut mint thingies

I originally got the idea for these from a teacher friend, Tasha, who made them with her students.  Yesterday, on Christmas, I decided to give this a go...

I apologize in advance that I measured nothing.  I will make again with proper measurements and add them to this post, but if you are adventurous, give it a try.  Perfectionism be gone!

Using unsweetened coconut gives you the option to sweeten it the way you want to and the texture is quite different.  It will really change the way you think about using shredded coconut.  I usually claim to not like coconut, but I realize now, that it is the sweetened stuff that I don't like.

Recipe

Ingredients
1 bag unsweetened coconut (I got organic at Down to Earth)
1 can sweetened condensed milk
Peppermint oil (not mint flavoring)
Honey
Semi-sweet chocolate
Umm.... leftover vanilla frosting from package of organic cinnamon buns (optional) with green food coloring and some peppermint.

Start with about half a bag (2 Cups-ish) of coconut.  Mix in about 1/3 of the can of milk and 2 T of honey.  Stir.  You want a consistency that will form a ball.  If too loose or dry, add more honey and milk.  Too wet does not seem to matter.  Add 4-6 drops of peppermint oil to taste.  Mine is Young Living Brand and is very strong.

Form balls and put on parchment.  I used a small cookie baller to form them and place on sheet.  Place in freezer while you make more coconut balls or start melting chocolate.  I froze them for about 15 minutes.

Melt semi-sweet chocolate in double boiler.  I used Trader Joes brand baking chocolate that comes in the giant bars.  I used about 20 squares to make 24 balls.

Roll the bars in the melted chocolate and place back on parchment sheet.  Drizzle green topping.  If you are going to make a green topping - you could melt white chocolate, add 2 drops peppermint and color it green.  Or, you could make a mix of confectioners sugar and water, color green and add peppermint.

I'm not very experienced with making candies so mine were not that pretty, but everyone raved about them.

Healing

I have always struggled with getting sick around the holidays.  Like most people, I tend to overdo it before the holidays and am susceptible to whatever suspicious little germ that walks by.  I started getting sick on the 22nd quite predictably.  This year, I slowed myself way down.  I conserved my energy.  I rested.  I slept.  I meditated.  I talked to my inner child.  I healed without major intervention.  I'm quite proud of myself.

Orange Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ayla's sister Anthea is staying with us while Jeanine is on her honeymoon.  Ayla is loving having the company even though Anthea will not play with her no matter how hard she tries to entice her.  Still, they sleep with their little heads touching and walk the park shoulder to shoulder showing everyone that they are the coolest.

Baking

Right now, a hurricane is gaining force and heading up the coast.  So, we have no school.  A few years ago, Nate and I had a snow day and walked to the health food store to get cookie making supplies.  We wanted chocolate chocolate chip.  While we were making them, we realized we had no vanilla, but I have all sorts of other flavors.  We chose orange, and the best cookie ever was born.  Since then, these are the official cookies for snow days.  While this is no snow storm for us, being housebound in comfies with cuddly pets sure feels like a snow day.  I asked Nate if he wanted gingerbread or pumpkin bread, but he scoffed.  It had to be the cookies.

Recipe (adapted from All Recipes)

2 sticks of butter
1 and 1/3 cup sugar
Cream in mixer bowl until light and fluffy.
Add 2 eggs and beat until even fluffier.
Add 2-3 t of orange oil.  Depending on the strength of the oil, you may need more.  You can tell by smell or taste the batter at the end (I know - raw egg, yeah yeah, whatever).

Slowly add the dry after mixing the dry ingredients:
2 C flour
2/3 C cocoa powder (use a good organic cocoa)
pinch salt
1t baking soda

After well-mixed, stir in 2 C of semi-sweet chocolate chips.  The key to these cookies being over the top is getting good chocolate chips.  I use the organic ones, and they really taste superior to the others.

Scoop onto parchment paper lined cookie sheets.  Cook at 350 for 9 minutes.  They might not look done to you, but trust me, they are.  You want them just done so that they are moist.

Healing

I am continuing to do fairly well after my last injection.  I am finally getting a handicapped tag for my car which feels extremely odd.  I got a new primary doctor (love her!), I mentioned it and she rushed off and came back with everything filled out and ready to go.  Somehow, I thought she would say I didn't really qualify.  It will be nice to walk when I can but use it when I don't have the energy.

The thyroid medicine transition is interesting.  I can no longer go a long time without eating.  I actually get shaky and dizzy.  Perhaps that is a sign that I am actually metabolizing my food?  I don't know.  Overall, I do have more energy and am losing weight.  They cautioned me not to lose more than ten pounds.  Which I don't think will happen given that my appetite is significant.

Physical therapy is continuing to make me stronger and more flexible.  I love being in the pool.  Such freedom!  And always less pain.  The PT wants me to give up working or have a wheelchair at school, but when I am feeling decent, that seems silly.  I realize, however, that if I want to stop having shots (the last one was the most painful 10 minutes ever!) I have to figure out how to do less.  I need to sit my butt down more at work but it's so counterintuitive to me.  I think I might bring my rolling kitchen chair to work or get a stool with wheels so I can move through the room to help kids without being up.  Good idea?

Anyway, I hope all my friends and family are safe and sound for the storm.  Sending light and love to all of you for safety and peace.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Friday, one of my closest friends, Jeanine got married.  It was almost a year of planning culminating in a beautiful event.  It was so gorgeous and romantic.  I have never been to a wedding where everyone was so overjoyed to see these two wonderful people finally find a partner who will love them the way they deserved to be loved.  Jeanine and Joe are a romantic and loving couple.  It was a joy.

For me, I loved every minute of it, but the tired did catch up with me.  So yesterday, I hung out in my pajamas and took it very slow.  Today, I went for a walk first thing but my body is still stiff and struggling a little.  Then, it hit me.  It's time to get in the kitchen.

I have been craving cookies and it is the season of all things pumpkin.  I had oatmeal and chocolate chips, and the answer was obvious.  Raisons might have made them even more perfect, but my husband loves raisons, and it's hard to keep them in the house.

Recipe

5 T of butter
1/2 C cane sugar
1/2 C brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 C pumpkin puree
2t vanilla

Cream butter and sugar until fluffy.  Add egg, then pumpkin, and vanilla.
Mix dry and add dry to wet :

1 C flour, 1t baking soda, 1 t baking powder, dash salt, 2 t cinnamon, 1/2 t cloves, 1 t pumpkin pie spice.

Then add 1/4 C honey to the mixture.  Add 2 C rolled oats and 1 C semi-sweet chocolate chips.

I used a cookie ball drop thing and put 8 per cookie sheet on parchment.  Bake at 350 for about 10 minutes.  They won't look totally done, but they are.  You want them just done so that they are chewy.

Healing:

I have been in aqua physical therapy for 5 weeks.  It's awesome but quite tiring.  It's not changing the pain at all but I am getting more flexible and strong.  I had another epidural injection last week which is helping as always.  

I had a bunch of nodules on my thyroid.  After a thorough examination, the nodules seem fine, but my thyroid functions haphazardly.  So, I've been on medicine for it for about a week.  It's crazy.  I have more energy and then it collapses at the end of the day.  I'm guessing I'm not quite at the right dose.  Regardless, as always, it takes me days to recover from busy days.  It's taken two days to recover from the wedding and I still feel like I could sleep a few more days.  

I am overdo for updating you all on my various health issues, but ironically, I am too tired to tell it all.  Suffice to say that I am holding steady, trying to take it slow, and deal with various aspects of pain management.  

No baking Only Healing

I'm still not back to baking but these crisper mornings are starting to get the pumpkin thoughts going in my mind.  I haven't had a lot of energy lately.  I have to nap a lot.  Like every day.  Sometimes twice.  So I broke down and got a new primary doctor near by to pull every thing together.  In going over things, I have quite the lump on the thyroid.  My thyroid has probably not been pulling its weight for a while which explains tired pretty well and the 10 pounds I gained while not cooking sweet things in my kitchen.

My thyroid has to be ultrasounded and then biopsied.  I am currently awaiting a cervical biopsy as well.  I'm kind of freaking out.  I think I can manage it all, but then it feels huge.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on the loss and pain of my leg, there is more.  I have had many cervical biopsies, all negative, so that feels less major.  Thyroid feels like something I'm going to have to deal with.  On the bright side, maybe it is a contributing factor to swallowing problems and those will be easier after it is removed or whatever.

I joined a pool.  The surgeon and the pain doctor urged me to get swimming. I went on Friday for the first time and wow!  My whole body was sore from head to toe.  Nate pointed out that I haven't had a good whole body workout in years.  I really loved it.  The pool at Healthtrax is super warm and inviting.  And there is a hot whirlpool in the ladies locker room - fantastic.  No dudes in the whirlpool.  The pool was essentially empty and I swam laps alone.  I bought new nice goggles because I was worried about swimming crooked (My name is Jess and I swim crooked) but there was no one there to bump into.  I am planning on going Monday night for Zumba in the pool.  I loved Zumba - I'm ridiculously excited to do it in the pool.

I have worked hard to reel in all extraneous spending to afford the pool and some other changes and I think it will all be good for me.  The gym puts your membership on pause if you have surgery or anything that stops you from coming.  Sigh of relief.  And they bought out my other gym membership, gave me a discount for my insurance, and my insurance gives me money back at the end of the year for going.  Win-wins all around this gym process.  God/Universe/Everything made it very simple for me to join and enjoy.  I'm thinking swimming will give me back my strength that I have lost over the past 6 years.

I started a teaching blog too because writing is the main thing I seem to be wanting to do with my time and energy at home.  It's great having two different worlds to express myself in.  I was asked to guest blog on an education blog so I am psyched to do that.

I'm writing completely stream of consciousness because I need you, invisible audience, to witness my slow and steady freak out about my thyroid.  Can't I just swim off a thyroid nodule?  You never know. Maybe I need to eat kelp and have seaweed shakes for lunch.  You know seaweed is not a plant, right? I didn't know until I was a teacher.  They are protists.  Little green animals.  So can you eat seaweed if you're a vegetarian.  Fine lines, folks.

Namaste and blessings to you and me and all of us.  And you know, if you are physically able to move and exercise, please do so.  Enjoy the luxury of that ability each and every day.  It's precious.

I promise high protein little "cakes" are coming for breakfast soon.  A couple cool afternoons and a little more energy and I'm all about getting back to baking.  I promise.  Not really. I promise nothing.  I can only promise that I am in this moment thinking fondly of anyone taking the time to read this stream of my thoughts tonight.  Love.

(The picture is me and my friend Emma who is adorable and snuggly and has the cutest feet.  I got to babysit for her and her big sister recently and I hope they ask me again and again!)

Magical Future Board

I haven't really been cooking much.  The heat makes the kitchen completely unbearable.  The sun shines in my kitchen in the afternoon making it about 2 million degrees above my comfort zone.  We've been eating out a bit (don't ask about why you may or may not have seen us at IHOP eating pancakes at night for dinner).  Beyond pancakes, I also love eating fruit salad for dinner or yogurt or ice cream or plain spinach.  In other words, food has been a bit hap hazard.  If you come to visit me these days, I'm likely to suggest going out to eat, especially with the early bird group.  And then, I'll talk you into going out for really good ice cream at Acushnet Creamery, where I always have coffee oreo.

I have, however, been cooking up plenty of ideas.  I have been drawing on the ol' toolbox and using meditation to chill my anxiety and to invite new stuff into my future.  I decided to make a future board.  I don't think this is an official title or anything, but I wanted to do a deep meditation followed by creating a collage.  The intent was to invite my future, to invite possibilities, to invite change, and to have a concrete product to look at to remind me of the intention.

The Recipe
1 to 2 Cups of meditation - any type will do:  deep prayer, mindfulness, guided meditation with a tape, speaking to your higher self, journaling - Get yourself in a quiet place where your doubts and anxieties are gently put to the side for the moment
10 or more magazines
Rubber cement or other easy to use glue
Canvas paper or another type of firm paper or poster board
Scissors
Clean table to work upon

After meditating, set your intention to invite your best possible future - not pushing for specifics, just asking for ideas of what's best for you, and always I add "this or better."
Cut out all the words and images that call to you.  Don't over think it.  Just cut them out.  If your brain starts to spin out about something, just notice where it is going and then bring yourself back to the task at hand.  You may want to sort words from pictures or just make one big pile.  Find things of beauty that call you.

After you have a nice pretty pile of intentions, start to arrange them on your board.  If you notice you need more images, go back and get more.  Arrange and start to glue.  It's usually easiest to do pictures then words but it depends.  Try the best you can to stay in the meditative place, keep bringing yourself back there.  It may help if you have a lot of stress to write your intentions down and keep repeating them to yourself.

Continue to cook your ideas and images until done.  How will you know you are done?  You will think of adding something and it will feel wrong.

I recommend looking at it every day.  You may want it out in the open in your bedroom or keep it private and spend time with it daily.  It may reach a time when it is done and the wheels are in motion.  Or it may be time to make a new one.

I've been working with mine for a few weeks now and I am ready to share it with you.

I love this board so much, and I have to tell you that my life has shifted in so many ways since I made it.  I was thinking that it might be fun to get a bunch of people together and all make one.   Would you like that?  Please say so in the comments and maybe ideas about time?  The whole thing will take about 4 hours.  It's the most magical thing I have done in a long time.

Healing

I am so frustrated with things with my health I don't even have the energy to explain right now.  Suffice it to say, I'm working on it, but it is a LOT to manage.  I'm too grouchy to discuss it tonight.  Maybe tomorrow will bring bright sunny perspective and fresh muffins in a basket at my door.

Elizabeth's Zucchini Bake

My sweet little puppy girl, Ayla, turned 5 this week.  We still call her Kid.  I always marvel at all the names people have for their dogs, and I wish people came up with spontaneous and fitting nicknames to call me at times.  We started calling her The Kid when she was a puppy baby as my older dog Orso adjusted to her presence.  She seemed like such a child compared to his old manish ways that he had even when he was a puppy.   So she is Kid, Sweetheart, A, Lady Fluffington, and Baby Girl.  My husband mostly calls her Kid and she lights up when he says it.  She knows all of her names, of course.  For her birthday, I got her two balls, realizing I never even gave her the chance to decide if she liked to play ball since Orso did not.  I fetched the balls a bunch of times, but she was uninterested.  I did get her a nice bright pink Elephant that is her current favorite toy.  And she got some new bandanas which she now loves to wear since her Auntie Eunice got her some.  

Recipe

For the moment, this post will not contain the many cool photos I took of food along the way of this recipe.  I decided to work on my photography and got out the real camera, as opposed to the phone.  It went swimmingly, until I realized I can't remember where I put the cord that goes from camera to computer.  So while I work that out, I have to share the recipe because I know lots of you are up to your ears in zucchini and squash.

My sister-in-law, Elizabeth is in France for 3 weeks or so (jealous).  My mother-in-law is picking up her CSA and sharing it with me while they are gone.  So I had visions of making some sort of zucchini cakes, but as usual, things changed along the way.  But the end product was, I think, a very original interpretation of flavors with squash.

Ingredients

• 2 large zucchini and 1 large yellow squash or some amount of such things.  When grated, it completely filled the food processor bowl (is it a bowl - it has a handle?).  What you should do then, that I skipped out of forgetfulness and heat, is to salt and let the water drain out of the squash before you move on.  It came out fine without that, but trust me and just do it.
• 1/2 bunch of basil coarsely chopped (you need some for the sauce too)
• small red onion finely chopped (it had an extremely intense flavor for a little dude.  Use a larger one if it's not fresh out of the ground)
• 5-6 garlic cloves finely chopped (these were not from the CSA)
• 1/2 or more of romano or parm or other salty, nutty cheese.
• 1 C breadcrumbs - if your mixture appears to be still to wet, add a bit more
• 2 eggs
• Salt - if you salted to drain water, you may not need as much.  

Throw all that in a bowl, mix.  Pour into a 9X9 glass dish and add some extra bread crumbs if you want on top.  Bake at 350 until it does not appear to jiggle or be liquidy.  I think it was about 40 minutes, but I was hot and ran away from the kitchen.

Sauce
I went in what you might think is an odd direction for sauce.  You could go with a basic tomato sauce and that would work beautifully if you serve it hot.  I made more of a bright dressing for it because I was planning on eating it cold.

In blender or magic bullet

• 1/2 C vinegar of your choice (I used rice because it was all I had)
• 1/2 C olive oil
• 2-4 T of finely chopped basil 
• 1T dry mustard
• 1t garlic powder
• 1 T oregano (dried stuff)
• 1 T honey or more to taste
• salt

Blend until smooth - really let it run until the basil is fully integrated.

I ended up eating it both hot and cold with this sauce and a dollop of sour cream.  I am a person who thinks almost everything needs a dollop of sour cream, and I have been this way my whole life.  You may choose just the sauce.

Maybe when Elizabeth gets home I will make it for her.  But really, I will just want to hear about the food and markets in France.

Healing

My doctor gave me a lower dose of steroid than last time so the side effects were much gentler.  Still, I feel often just a touch out of sync with the world.  The world is just a little too far away and slow versus my inner experience.

For MS, I got new brain and neck MRIs this week so I spent a bunch of time reading them myself.  Brain MRIs are not my expertise but I think I got a handle on it.  It looks like where I used to have a few very small lesions, it is now one larger lesion.  It is in the area of the brain called the corpus callosum which is part of how the two hemispheres of your brain communicate with each other.  Lesions here are largely about cognitive deficits and memory loss (um, ya think?).  Other than that, I didn't see any new ones except for one questionable area in my neck.  If there was a lesion there, though, I would have some serious upper body deficits by now.

I actually had a thought today that my leg pain/spine issue was created as a great distraction from thinking about the unpredictability and intensity of MS.  I'm forever looking for reasons why I am suffering with leg pain - always convinced that the next realization will be the one that sets me free somehow.  It's the worse application of holistic thinking - "learn your lessons from this and you will be free of it" - which really means - "you are to blame for this."  And I can very easily get stuck there.

I notice how some of my friends have retreated about my surgeries and disabilities.  Some of my friends cannot cope with the concept of a illness that does not go away.  Maybe to, over the years of pain, I have had times of more function and times of less function.  They may wait for the time of good function to reengage.  I find I keep saying, "No, I can't drive there" or "I thought I would be well enough for the car ride there but I'm not."  I was reading recently about another healer who became ill and realized people-pleasing became an impossibility.  And she missed it.  And I do too - being the one to show up places, being fun and predictable.  When I committed a week in advance to doing something, I did it.  But now is about moment to moment thinking and living.  I don't know what I'm doing in the fall.  I don't know what I will be able to do tomorrow.  I'm not sure what kind of night sleep I will have.

I haven't even begun to complain about heat so I'll save that for my berry galette recipe which is what is next.

Today I spent a deep 2 hours in meditation and made a dream board of sorts.  It is a collage of images and words of my hope.  I want to share it with others, because maybe the simplicity of this idea of focused faith with a tangible result will help someone else.  It is so beautiful.  I love it.  I think it might be too tender to share just yet.  But I will after it's done cooking in my energy.

I am reminded of the first mediation I learned.  I repeated these four phrases in my mind with breathing. I was taught that you cannot offer these hopes for others until they are full within yourself.  These words are a humble prayer.

May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be healthy in body and in mind.
May I be happy.

Pudding Thing That Was Yummy

Baking

We play card games with another couple that lives nearby every Sunday evening.  It is a fantastic way to end the weekend.  If we are planning and grading, we stop and go have a little more fun.  We laugh a lot and hang out with really good people for a few hours.  They have become good friends that are the kindest people you could ever meet.

This past Sunday, I felt inspired to bring a dessert, and the cupboards were largely bare.  I wanted to keep it on the low calorie end because we have been indulging a bit more than usual lately.  In my digging around, I find these organic, vegan pudding mixes, one chocolate and one vanilla.  I decide I will make one and pour them into little ramekins to chill.  These things are like wicked low in calorie per serving (less than 100 calories) and I used skim milk.  I started with just making chocolate but then the brain starts.  Why not also make vanilla and layer these things?  Why not make a quick cookie bottom and then layer them in that?  And so it goes with haphazard baking.

I find it so funny that so many of my friends think I am this baking for the perfection, but the crazy on the spot disasters and successes are just as interesting.   It's creativity without bounds or consequences.  Did I feel attached to the outcome of this thing?  Not in the slightest.  They are good friends.  Good friends are those who will tell you that your dessert sucks and break out the cookie bin.  Friends who nod politely at my concoctions are not going to receive my first tries.

So what was it?

Here's a super vague recipe but I encourage you to step outside the weird rule that baking has to be right, or perfect or measured exactly.  It's just cooking.  Don't start with souffle and don't be afraid to mess up.  It's sugar, how bad is it really going to be?

Pudding
Make 1 vanilla and 1 chocolate pudding (each served 4).  The brand I used was Dr. Oetker.  It was very tasty on its own.  Next time I would add more vanilla or lemon zest to the vanilla one.  And I would add a touch vanilla to the chocolate too.  When they say stir constantly, they mean it, so don't get yourself to multi-tasking.  Set to chill.  Put plastic wrap right down on the pudding to avoid getting skin.

Cookie bottom (all amounts approximate - LOL)
1 C of flour
1/2 C sugar
1/4 C cocoa powder
Coconut oil liquid - add until mixture is moist
Add an egg (why?  because it helps mystery desserts take form)

Press into a 9X9 glass baking dish, until there are no cracks.  Bake at 350 until not mushy anymore.

Let bottoms cool.  Once cool, add a layer of each pudding being careful in how you dollop and spread the upper layer.  Now if you were prepared for this, I would pile some berries on top.  But I wasn't.

Below is the worst food blog food picture in anyone's blog.  But this recipe is about sharing an idea that deliciousness can be random and loosely measured and playful.  Also, find some nice folks who will play cards with you.

Healing

Healing wise there is nothing new to report in terms of my stuff except that I had an epidural steroid injection, hoping that this will help my quality of life for a while.  My goal is a pain free meal out in a restaurant.  I realized today how much I understand managing with steroids.  Don't bother reading on unless you really care about dealing with this or helping a loved one with it.  All steroid medications are not the same.  The oral ones you take for poison ivy or a bad cough are not the same as an infusion through your vein of solumedrol and not the same as an epidural. The steroid medication in this is designed to dissolve slowly over time so that the medicine stays local and does not got all over your body.  Epidurals in an aggravated nerve root are excruciating.  It is 20-30 seconds of pain that you are sure will kill you.  But it doesn't.  Then they put you in a room where someone gives you lorna doons (score!) and ginger ale.  

The coping part is the next two weeks.  I vacillate between teariness and anger and peace and fear.  It is a weird time because the emotions feel so empty because they are emotions without a lot of weight or depth.  I get tired, swollen knees, and minor urges to clean my house.  Of course, this is not healing, this is pain management.  I am still not supposed to do much and may not get much relief.  We'll see.  

Nutritionally it is difficult.  My esophageal spasms are set off by the acid stomach feeling of steroid side-effects.  I really only want fruit and a little yogurt.  It is essential to replenish potassium because the steroids deplete that.  I take pills and drink carrot juice.  Carrot juice is just loaded with the stuff and goes down easy and smooth.  I don't know how bananas got all the credit for potassium.  Avocados and carrot juice are the way to go.  

I also get intense night sweats so I use benedryl and towels to deal with that.  This process is not for the faint of heart.  I'm certainly not at my strongest right now, but I sure have this down enough to have a plan.  

Noodle Salad with Peanut Sauce

There probably is a lot to update in the healing department but I think I will talk about the recipe first.

I have made this salad a million times, a different way each time.  When I thought about making it I realized I was missing some things I like to put in it.  My horoscope, however, said not to spend any money today, and that seemed really pertinent since right now I have no money.  {Side note:  I do not normally make any decisions based on the horoscopes that show up on my google home page.  Today however, I was feeling very spend-ish.  Like I might go to the health food store and spend money on tahini, tamari, and sesame seeds.  Instead I decided to make a fabulous dish with whatever was in my cabinets.  Kind of like the show "Chopped" only there is no chicken intestines or olive loaf.}

I was invited to a small gathering of some teacher friends.  We really enjoy each other but don't have enough time to see each other.  So I would be cooking for 4.  So, of course, I made enough for 20.  Learning cooking first at a restaurant  really warped my ability to figure out how much to make.   I only make this salad in the summer, and the trick is to make the noodles early before the heat of the day makes it impossible.  I cooked a whole box of organic whole wheat spaghetti at around 8 am.  Then I decided, I might as well do the whole thing.  The only risk with this is that my sauce may really soak into the pasta, but I will bring along a little rice vinegar to brighten up the flavor.


Ingredients:
1 box spaghetti
1/4 C chopped onion
1T of ginger paste or grated ginger (very optional)
1 crown (3 C chopped) broccoli
2 handfuls of baby spinach (amount is not important)
1 1/2 C peanut butter (crunchy or smooth)
3/4 cup hummus (you could use tahini, but I only had hummus available)
{Side note:  Up to this point in the ingredients I was meticulously measuring what I was eyeballing for measurements because I don't measure.  It turned into a game of guess how much onion that is.  I am freakishly right on the money for eyeballing measurements.  Huzzah.  After this, I got in the zone of sauce making and the amounts are approximate (or maybe exactly right since I am a genius at eyeballing)}
Olive oil
Toasted sesame oil
2T Braggs Liquid Aminos (or soy sauce, or tamari)
1t fish sauce (optional)
1T sugar (honey would be better, but I was sticking to cabinets)
Now you need about 1/4 to 1/2 C of liquid.  I used to use orange juice.  You could use lemon juice but then you need more sugar to balance it.  Today I used peach-lemonade.  Perfect.
Rice Vinegar (about 1/2-3/4 C)

Directions:
Pasta
Cook the pasta in generously salted water.  Drain.  Add about 1/4 C olive oil to the pasta to keep it from sticking.  This is salad and it will be chilled.  The pasta needs to hang out without sticking together.

Use olive oil to keep noodles from sticking together

Transfer to a large bowl

Veggies
In a medium pan, cook onion in some toasted sesame oil.  Add some ginger paste.  Add broccoli with a little liquid (2T) (water, wine, whatever) to steam it a little.  Add 2 handfulls of spinach and cook until they are wilted but not so cooked they disappear.  If you're smart, you would cook garlic at this step.  I totally forgot.  Add this mixture to the pasta and stir.

My guess was 1/4 cup chopped

Sure enough 1/4 C

My guess was 3 C and 1 crown chopped was indeed 3 C

Sorry that it's blurry but Ginger Paste is so handy to have around 

Cooked broccoli and onions are underneath a couple handfuls of spinach

Sauce

Stir cooked veggies into pasta with sauce

In a food processor:  Put in peanut butter and hummus and blend thoroughly.  Then add Braggs and fish sauce.  Blend and then taste.  You'll probably say, wow that's too salty, I want to bring back the sweetness of the peanut butter.  Add the sugar, blend, and taste again.  You'll say ok, now I just need liquid.  Add juice - start with a small amount, blend and taste.  I would be surprised if you need more saltiness, but you can add more Braggs if needed.

Add the sauce to the pasta.  Yum.  Taste.  You'll say, wow that's good but it needs something.  Add in a little rice vinegar.  Stir and taste.  You'll say, wow yes.  Cool, more of that.  And so on until you have achieved perfection.  Serve on top of a bed of spinach.  Garnish with sesame seeds if you have them.  I used more leaves and cherry tomatoes on top.  If you're alone, just eat right out of the bowl until full and you'll say garnish, shmarmish this is so good.  This picture is deceiving.  It is not a regular sized plate.  It is a large serving plate.  This recipe would easily serve 12 as a side dish and 8 as a main dish.

Health Stuff
When I last blogged, I hadn't yet seen the surgeon and he had told me to stay home and rest.  Well, I couldn't quite stay home because I stopped getting pay checks and I started to feel panicked about money.  Sometimes I forget that I am in a we situation and my husband has money to give me to hold my individual stuff over and can pay our house stuff without my help.  Anyway, I went back for the last 5 days of school which felt great anyway, because I got to finish everything up and talk to the students.  I'm really going to miss my AP Biology class.  There were some awesome people in that class.

I saw the surgeon, and he had a student intern with him.  They concluded that things were not going well.  I had concluded this a while ago.  It felt like they were just staring at me and nodding in collective pity.  What do I do?  Wait and see.  Rest and walk.  Wait and see.  Continue on medication for now.  Up this one so you can lower that one.

My hopeful hypothesis is that I am a very slow healer and I have too much inflammation in there.  I am all for getting another steroid epidural but I guess they don't want to mask what is happening.  My hopeless hypothesis is that I have permanent nerve damage from compression of the nerve root for all those years.  Thankfully I have two hypotheses to bounce back and forth between.

At times, the pain is so intense I cannot imagine going back to work ever.  Other times, I feel like I have some management of it.  At times, like in the middle of the paragraph I hit a point where I MUST nap.  I just slept for two hours.  Sleep is necessary sometimes.  I'm not quite as weepy as I was, but falling apart always seems like a possible option.  Cooking is definitely a time to reflect, to focus, and also to escape.  I get very absorbed in the moment and think of nothing else.

Lemon Cheesecake Made with Real Tears

My leg pain has increased which means one of two things - either there is permanent nerve damage or there is substantial swelling in the area of surgery.  The surgeon did not seem optimistic and told me to stay out of work for the rest of the school year to give it every chance to work.  Also, we will need to take new MRI and CT scans to see *things* in there.

I fell quickly into devastation zone. I have reached the end of what is possible to fix it, and I am left debilitated with nerve pain.   I am, thankfully, allowed to take ibuprofen again which means I can decrease the bigger medications. I really cannot wrap my head around the idea of life long nerve pain.  Maybe that is healthy.

I realize that over all these years of living with pain and pain management, I don't look back at my life thinking over events about whether I was in pain or not that day.  It hasn't invaded every centimeter of my consciousness (I almost said inch, but come on, we have to go metric).  There remains a part of me that holds hope and the presence of mind to enjoy my life for the moments.

Saturday, I gave myself a break from the challenges of pain and misery to go to our annual Bergamasco specialty.  I handled the car okay because Nate set it up as a palace.  Ayla wasn't shown (it was an AKC show as well), but she was perfect all day.  No grumbling at other dogs.  She kept her eyes on me and Nate and just relaxed.  Afterwards we went to Jeanine's and Ayla slid easily into the dog pack there and played and snuggled and slept.  I received so much dog love there, and it was so healing.  Watching Ayla play and snuggle with her sister, being licked all over my face by puppy Amira, going to sleep with Ayla and her mother in our bed and waking up to a different combination all warmed my heart and made me laugh.  I never could have imagined how much these dogs would bring to my life, and they continue to crack me up and fill me with love until I am overflowing with the stuff.

Upon returning to our humble abode, the stress of my *stuff* met me quickly.  My worried of lifelong pain starting falling from my eyes in big blobby drops and heaving sobs.  I know I had a plan for how to deal with this... What was my plan?  How do I hold on?

My plan is to let my art heal me and bring me to this moment of life and breath.  In this moment I am living.  I am breathing.  I can be beauty.  I can make beauty flow from my being.   In this time, I have rediscovered my singing voice in the joy of garage band.  I have made collages which I have never done.  I stroll in the morning to look for patterns of green and gray and black to photograph and manipulate later.  And I bake.  

I really have always understood that day by day idea of survival but sometimes it is moment by moment.


Lemon Cheesecake.  

I adapted this from Annie's Eats which is a wonderful website.  Her recipes are easy to follow and make perfect sense to me.  Her recipe is for lime cheesecake with blackberry sauce.  I knew we wanted to lemon because we had a heavenly piece of lemon cheesecake at a cafe in CT.  I looked at a whole bunch of cheesecake recipes and they are all about the same.

Bottoms:
2 cups graham cracker crumbs (I achieved this in the food processor)
5 T melted butter
Mix and press into the bottom of a springform pan (I had one I had never used - exciting!)
The original recipe called for sugar here - I saw no need.  You may need more butter if your crumbs seem to dry.  I think I threw in an extra T of melted butter.

Cake Part
3 packages of cream cheese at room temperature.  Mix them in the kitchen aid for a bit to get them fluffy.
1 C sugar, add in slowly
3 eggs, add in one at a time
Juice of 2 meyer lemons (whatever lemons is fine - this is what I had), add in slowly
Zest of at least 1 lemon

Pour on top of bottoms.   Bake at 325 for an hour or until is seems to not really jiggle.  Some recipes insist that you don't open the door for the first 30 minutes.  I didn't because I was cleaning up but I have no idea why.  Now here comes the part you shouldn't do as I did.  I did none of that water in the oven business.  I had no cracks.

You are supposed to turn off oven, prop open door and let it sit in there for 30 minutes then take out and cool on a wire rack for an hour, then chill for 8 hours.

I wanted it last night, so I put it in the freezer - blasphemy I know.  This might explain why mine fell.  So it froze for 20 minutes, then sat in the fridge for 30 minutes and then we ate it with friends.  I did not regret one bit of my inability to follow directions.  It was completely delicious.  Honestly, the best tasting cheesecake I have ever had.  Getting the height right will be my next project.  I took one picture before putting it in the oven, and I took one picture of what is left over from last night.

You should make this.  I was thinking of the movie "Like Water for Chocolate" and really hoping my cake did not make people cry.  I cried explaining things to my friends with whom I shared the cake so it seems to still be my tears alone.  Ah, feeling the feelings, healthy healthy hi ho, hi ho.

Home and Spanikopita

So surgery number 3 is done.  Only minor tinges of leg pain here and there - which is the least leg pain I have had in over 5 years.  Back pain of course from the surgery but that's totally different than nerve pain.  For those who haven't kept track - Surgery 1 last June - attempt least invasive option of removing bone on my nerve root (lumbar S1), Surgery 2 in December - full fusion with lumbar cage and three screws.  Then no leg pain for 3 weeks but then grew new bone spurs on nerve b/c of bone enhancing meds to encourage fusion.  Surgery 3 yesterday - remove all the bone spurs and scar tissue to free up the nerve root.  I am trying to hold this line of desperately hopeful and realistically staying in the moment.  I can't really imagine being able to deal if it doesn't work and I don't want to live in the fear.  So, I feel my fear as it comes, cry a bit, and move on.

So I made Spanikopita on Monday and ate it last night.  Can I tell you that this cooking ahead thing was a great idea!!!!

I've posted this recipe on FB but wanted to share it here.  I learned about this easy version from my friend Kim.  You can make it in about 20 minutes and throw it in the oven.  If you don't eat it all at once, it stays great in the fridge.  If you were going to freeze it - I would say you could freeze it before or after baking.  I was thinking of using those cute little brownie pans with no edges to make individual ones without depending on weird folding mastery of phyllo dough.

Spanikopita Recipe (adapted from Kim Shute)

1/2 package of phyllo dough (thawed)
Olive oil - lots (3/4 cup maybe in total)
1 box spinach
1 C frozen peas
1 small onion chopped
2-4 garlic cloves chopped finely or pushed through the garlic gadget that I don't have.

1 small container of ricotta
1-2 packages of feta to taste.
lemon zest
2 eggs

In a large pan, saute the onions in olive oil (1-2 T) until nice and soft but not crispy.  Add in whole thing of spinach (stems and all) and the peas.  Cook until wilted not cooked down entirely.  Add garlic for last 30 seconds of cooking - keep stirring.  Burnt garlic is gross.

Put in food processor and chop until all integrated.

In large bowl, combine the spinach mixture, the ricotta, the eggs, the feta (crumble it in as you go), and the zest (maybe 1/2 T).  Salt and pepper to taste.  (I don't use pepper ever, but you might).

Assembly:
Use large pyrex glass baking dish or 2 small ones.  Unravel your phyllo dough so you can get the layers out.  Get a small dish of olive oil and pastry brush ready.

Brush a layer of oil on bottom of dish.  Add one layer of dough.  For this recipe you do not need to go crazy making your layers of dough neat at all.  Even if edges fold over each other, it won't matter one bit.  Add 5-6 more layers to the bottom with a little bit of oil brushed on between layers.  You also don't need to vigorously oil each one, there's a lot of moisture that moves down through it from the spinach stuff.

Add half the mixture.  Put on another 5-6 layers of dough with a little oil in between the layers.  Then add the rest of the mixture.  Top with another 5-6 layers of dough.

I bake with aluminum foil on top, which I take off at the end to crisp up the top,  I think it takes about 40 minutes at 350, but you want to keep an eye on it.  It's done when nothing is giggling in the spinach mixture (the eggs will have pulled it together).

This is completely easy and delicious.  It is not the same as the more authentic version with a million layers and tons of butter, but this way is way easier and actually tastier in my opinion.

I squeeze a little lemon on top when I serve it.

Sorry - I forgot to take pictures this time, this is from last time.

Recipe Index

Appetizers
Spinach Triangles

Soups

Main Dishes
Spanikopita
Cute little chicken pot pies
Dressed up veggie burgers
Spinach Triangles 
Noodle Salad with Peanut Sauce

Side Dishes


Desserts
Chocolate cheese cake cupcakes
Box cake but recipe for chocolate cream cheese frosting
Mixed berry crumble
Devil's food cake with cream cheese/whipped cream frosting (OMG)
Gingerbread cupcakes


Breakfast
Smoothies in Green and Pink
Mixed berry crumble

Spinach Triangles

I did big cooking. Big.  I decided to prepare myself some yummies for the week of recovery.  I made spinach triangles, chicken pot pies, and spanikopita (which I still have to finish).

Ok, I seriously made all three of these dishes simultaneously which made it much easier, sort of.  In essence, they are all things you cook and then stuff into something else.

Spinach Triangles
First, I made the dough for the spinach triangles:
3 C flour
1/2 t yeast in 1/4 C warm water with 1 T maple syrup
1/2 C olive oil
1/2 cup more water.

Combine and knead until a nice dough is formed.  Oil the dough ball and let rise until doubled in size.

The recipe for them is here at Wandering Spice
I made minor mistakes adjustments along the way.  While the dough was rising in a warm spot, I made the filling.

Filling:
2 packages baby spinach
salt
lemon juice
olive oil
lemon zest
1 small onion chopped fine and cooked in olive oil

I varied these amounts to taste.  You can follow the recipe link above for real amounts.

Woah.  Realizing I need to back way up here for this all to make sense.

Okay, so I needed to cook so that I have food to heat up and eat that is healthy and yummy since I am having surgery Tuesday.  Yesterday I realized that I am not functioning well without an unreasonable amount of pain medication so today I wanted to take it very slow.  We had a lot to do and Nate asked me to make a list.  So I took out the sticky notes from my personal binder organizer (will share that bit of genius on another post) and made a post for each task and put them on the frige.  This way, we can pull them off when done.  Cleaning, cooking, shopping.  Basically.  And all I can think about making is spinach triangles.  I had them at Pita Pocket near the Walmart in Dartmouth and they were good but I put both my hummus and my tabouli on them.  They were just spinach and onions in dough.  Then my friend brought me some from the Lebanese place in Fall River near BCC and they were so different and yummy.  I tasted a sweetness, a lemony bit and a crazy spinach texture.  How do they get spinach like this?  Well, that part at least, I did figure out.

You take the raw spinach, chop it up and put it in a bowl.  Then, put some salt on it and massage it in (kind of like the massaged kale salad that I will have to post some time soon).  Then squeeze the excess water out of the spinach.  I should have rinsed the spinach but I didn't.  I used the Maldon sea salt so it's not bad to have the salt in there.

Then I realized I had rotten lemons.  So I used the bottled lemon juice.  The mixture tasted perfect but once cooked, it really needed more lemon.

I rolled out the dough and made one batch of small ones, using a biscuit cutter.  Hold the circle in your hand, use a fork to put in a bit of the filling, then lift up three parts to the middle to make a little package.  I brushed a little egg wash on them before baking them at 350 until golden brown.  The next two batches I made big ones using a super large mug as a guide.  This recipe made 6 large triangles, and 9 small ones.

Yes, they are totally delicious.  Next time I would add way more lemon.  I intend to buy some new lemons and then squeeze more on before eating.  I froze three of them unbaked for this week.  

The chicken pot pie recipe is here.  I froze all of them unbaked and can just bake when I want them.  Actually, Nate can bake them for me.  

Today I will finish off the spanikopita and take some pictures of it.  I have a lot to learn about food photography but I think I am getting a little bit better.  

I must say I am totally freaking out about surgery tomorrow.  I have done a lot of work on feeling my fears and hopes, but still it is very intense.  I know this one is much simpler than last time, but still it is for lack of a better new word here, intense.  

Anyway, if you want to come visit, I will share my frozen yummies with you :)

Upcoming surgery cookathon hopeful

I'm having surgery number 3 in two days.  So I need to do some cooking for the week.  I'm thinking of spanikopita and the chicken pot pie thingies.  And some cupcakes.  For all I know, I will have no appetite.  But also knowing me, the appetite I will have will be for cake.

This surgery is much less than the last one.  They gave me some bone growth enhancing med to make the fusion work and my body built a bone spur (osteophyte) on my nerve root.  So the doc is going in with a laser to remove all the weird bony growths in there.  I am so hopeful that this could be the end of 5 years of pain, but it is scary.  Yesterday I cried and cried (which was good - it had to come out) - letting myself feel the fear of what if it doesn't work.  This time I will be more on the ball about recognizing any post surgery things as MS flare ups (that's indeed what the esophagus thing was).

I feel a strong urge to clean my house too but that probably isn't the best idea.

More later with cooking I hope.  If not, bring me cupcakes this week, ok?

Gingerbread Cupcakes and Puppy Love

There have been plenty of challenges of late, but I must say I am fortunate to have lots of joys as well.  Jeanine (the bride for whom I am the MOH) brought her new bergamasco puppy, Amira, to visit today.  All this sweetie wanted to do was snuggle, kiss, and play gently with toys.  Ayla put herself on strict patrol until I really encouraged her to play.  Then the two of them chased each other around the house.  

Jeanine wanted me to show her how to make my gingerbread and make it into cupcakes.  Yea!  It's a challenge for 2 people to cook together in my 6X9 kitchen but we worked it out really well.

Gingerbread.  I could eat only that as my sweet most of the time.  I know it's sort of an autumn food but  I love it all year.  I had not make them into cupcakes before and they worked perfectly.

I adapted my recipe from here.  Also, this time we used butter, but you can use coconut oil.  I doubled all the spices.  The frosting is all my own creation.

Gingerbread cake or cupcakes

Cream 1 stick of butter with 1/2 C sugar (I use organic cane sugar)
Add 1 egg
Blend until well mixed
Add 1 C of molasses and blend until full mixed.

Sift together dry in a separate bowl:
2 1/2 C all purpose flour
1 1/2 t baking soda
1 t salt
2 t cinnamon
2 t ginger
1 t cloves
1/2 t nutmeg


Add dry slowly, mixing after each addition.  After the dry is well incorporated,
add 1 C hot water slowly, and blend.  I always put the hot water in the same measuring glass I used for molasses to get the last of the molasses out of it.

It is a very liquidy cake batter.   For cake, pour in 9 X 9 baking dish and bake at 350 for about an hour.

We filled cupcakes 3/4 full and baked at 350 for about 20 minutes but I kept a close eye on them.  They are done when a knife or toothpick comes out clean.  They rose exactly to the top and were flat.  If you like a more puffed up top, add more than 3/4 full.  It made 14 cupcakes.

Frosting
1 package cream cheese
2-3 T vanilla greek yogurt to achieve the right consistency
2 T maple syrup to taste
1t ginger (ground)

This made just a little too little cream cheese - just enough for a dozen, so you might want to use 1 and 1/2 packages of cream cheese.

We sprinkled the top with cinnamon.  I tried taking a bunch of photos this time.  Working on my food photography.

When I make the cake, I just make maple whipped cream and serve it on top of warm cake.  It's marvelous.  This was a nice variation.  I think it might be nice to go in a lemony direction too.

Healing:  It's just been a pain lately but I am trying to deal with a lot.  Medication for tremors is pretty awesome but it makes me extremely tired.  Right now, one eye is closed because I am about to crash completely.  Anyway,  I hope this blog post finds you well, in love, in health, and knowing your heart's desire.